How You Change
by DidSomeoneSayDracoMalfoy95
Summary: Basically a Diary of Dean Winchester which explores key areas of his childhood and how they helped to changed him. Will probably go through some of early season 1 but is mainly pre-series. Will be taking prompts for future chapters. Rating may change
1. Chapter 1

**AN: I know its been awhile but I've had exams and then just lost all interest in another story I was writing so this came of that.**

**All the chapters will be in chronological order and I will be taking prompts as to what people will want to happen.**

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**March 23****rd**** 1987**

Dear Diary,

I hate my life.

I hate everything about it.

Whenever Sammy and I go to out everyone gushes over him, saying how cute he is or how clever he is and must have started walking or talking early and all that stuff. That's all it is.

Sammy Sammy and more Sammy.

All I get is brushed aside. Why must I always be the adult? I'm 8. Why can't I go out and be like any other kid. I just get so angry over it and …and I hit a kid because of it. Mrs Lowry pulled me out of class and asked me why.

When I told her it was because I was angry and didn't know why she asked…well more told me to start a diary or journal to try and work through it.

Me, I think it's a bunch of baloney. Why would talking about any of my life help me out?

It's…it's stupi…it might be worth a try. Ohh well I may as well give it a try.

Well what annoys me most? What annoys me most? Urm….school…no, no. People thinking Sammy is smart and I'm the stupid one. Who are they to say he is stupid just because Sammy id curious and can remember a lot of stupid stuff.

I'm not stupid. I had to teach Sam how to read, walk and write. I had to do that while struggling with my own problems. I didn't talk for 2 years after Mom died. How was I supposed to teach Sam to talk? Why was it me who had to do that? Why did Dad have to travel so much and talk to so many people in private? Why? Because of the demon that killed Mom.

Sammy was almost 3 when he took his first steps and is finally starting to string together sentences now. Most people thought he didn't talk because he was shy but he wasn't. All the judgment on him did make him shy though.

If I'm being honest Sammy isn't the one who I'm angry at. I'M NOT EVEN ANGRY AT THE DEMON. I read up at Bobby on demons and it said that did things for reasons…more or less. I don't know and I don't care. All I know is Mommy is gone and she took Dad with her.

He's so focused and intense now….I don't know my Dad anymore. He told me if I wanted to help him make things better then I had to do as he said and help him catch the demon.

He started to teach me how to hold and shoot a gun and said one day he will take me with him to find the monster. I hope he does. Dad seems happier when he is teaching me all this, I want him happy.

But I also want Sammy happy. Sammy who crawls into my bed in the middle of the night because he had a night terrors. He wakes me up just to be held. Dad won't do it. Says he needs to toughen up but…Sammy is just a baby.

He needs protecting and he doesn't need to know that his nightmares are real. That would really freak him out.

This diary really isn't making me less angry. If anything it's making me more so. All I'm doing is going round and round giving myself more people and stuff to be angry about.

I mean I want to be angry at Uncle Bobby for telling my Dad about monsters and how to kill them. If he didn't do that then I wouldn't be scared of what could happen to Dad and I could have friends, and toys, and…and a family.

All I want is a family again.

Great I'm crying now. Guess this thing really is useless, it's supposed to make me feel better. Guess Mrs Lowry was lying to me like everyone else does.

How are you meant to end these…I don't know I'll come up with something.

Peace out? Yeah peace out. I like that, nice and easy. Awesome.

Peace out


	2. Chapter 2

**December 26****th**** 1987**

Dear Diary,

Why does it have to be a diary? That's something little girls do no boys. Dad said I've got to be more like a man so I can protect Sammy. Protect Sammy? From what? Him and his stupid obsession.

Anyway, erm…Dad said I had to start acting more like a man. So I thought the only way to do that would be to start saying more….manly stuff. God this is stupid. How can I be a man if I write in a diary? Not often as this is my second time but still.

Urghhhhh. I'm gonna have to call this something new. Wait a minute. Dad writes in a _journal _so if Dad can write in a journal and be a man so can I.

But _Dear Journal _is still girly. Man what can I change that to? I know, I know. HELLO JOURNAL OF AWESOME MYSTERY OF DEAN THE MAN. Ohh yeah that sounds cool.

Hummm, I should probably get to the point of this entry. As you can tell by the date that Sammy's birthday has been and gone. And guess what. Dad wasn't there. What a surprise. He was there for mine but only gave me an old used comic that had a funky smell to it. What did he get Sammy?

Nothing. That's right, a big old fat nothing. Even though he wasn't there on the day when he came back he still had nothing. I'm just glad the little tyke isn't in school or he would truly be devastated. To hear how all the other kids parents get them anything and everything and are _there_ while is out who knows where doing who knows what. At least he got me something.

It's weird. For the last few months Dad has been keeping a closer eye on Sammy then usual but then just totally ignores him. It's strange but…it's Dad so he must have a reason for doing it. Why am I worrying so much about this? It's not like he doesn't love Sam.

…

Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider man …. Stupid Sammy and him watching cartoons all the time, now it's in my head.

Where at Pastor Jim's at the minute for Christmas while Dad is out on another hunt or God knows what, 'cause were not in a motel we can watch them all the time…and I mean all the time. While Jim prepare for whatever he does he lets us watch the TV all the time.

The wonder still hasn't left Sammy so at the minute he is sat on the couch glued to the TV while I watch this.

Sammy's won't start kindergarten until next year. Dad says he still has to learn to speak better. Whatever.

Like I was saying, we're at Pastor Jim's for Christmas and Dad was meant to be back from his hunt to spend it with us. It's been 3 days and he's not phoned Jim, Bobby or anyone else. I would feel worried if this was the first time he'd done it…but it's not.

Jim got this pinched look on his face, like he sucked a lemon or something, when he realised Dad wasn't going to be back in time so he made us sit through his ceremony or whatever it's called. I don't care or know, all I know is that Dad's not here and Sammy is in a mood 'cause of it.

I wish Dad would have come; he could have come and seen the cool gifts we got for everyone. I 'got' Sammy some new gloves, unfortunately they were pink but Sammy loved them anyway, and Sammy made me a picture of our family, bar Mum, he doesn't know he hasn't got one yet. He thinks it's normal to only have a Dad.

I loved the picture, it was Uncle Bobby's house (you could tell by the old junkers piled up beside the house) with all of us (Pastor Jim, Caleb, Uncle Bobby, Joshua, Dad and Sammy and me) stood on the porch with Bobby's dog sat on the ground. It was awesome.

Dad's presents still sit under Jim's tree. With help from Uncle Bobby I bought Dad a traveling cleaning kit for the Impala since the car is basically our home and Dad loves that thing. I don't see what is so important about the Impala. It's just a car. A big heavy steel car that just looks cool. I asked Dad about it once and he said I'll see why it's so important one day. I don't think I will but who knows. Dad may be right but…yeah whatever.

Sammy. Sammy did another picture for Dad, he asked for my help on it. Like me he knew Dad loved the Impala so he had me help him draw the car. He then put us in it and…man I can't believe I'm about to say this…but we looked cute.

No Dean can't say that's, that's not manly. How can I…there's no way to make it manly. Okay so me and Sammy looked cute in the car but he didn't stop there. No. He drew Dad in a Superman's outfit flying over the sky for obvious reasons.

I just hope Dad will one day realise what he means to me and Sammy. If he doesn't I'm scared what will happen. One day Sammy will realise we are not a normal family and I don't know how he will react. I don't want him to hate Dad and me for lying to him.

And I don't want Sam to think that us not having a Mum is a bad thing when the other kids go on and on about there's. Like they do to me at school. When they realise I don't have a Mum at whatever school I go to it's like some big bad new thing that means I'm weak and need to be bullied for.

When I told Dad I was being bullied he told me to stand up and fight back, so next time it happened I beat that kid up. I felt so bad for doing that but no-one else started bullying me so he was right. Every new school since I've done that and the bullying stopped. I hope Sam doesn't get that when he goes. I don't think he could take it.

God why wasn't Dad here for Christmas. He's been to all the others. I just want my Dad back home and safe so I can see him and have some time with him all on my own.

God I sound like a baby. Before I start blubbering like one I better stop. Doesn't matter anyway, Pastor Jim just called me and Sammy to get some dinner, leftover turkey and veg. Yum.

Peace out.

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**AN:**** I still am taking prompts for what people would like to see/hear happen to Dean and how he changed him**


	3. Chapter 3

**April 3****rd**** 1988**

Hello journal of awesome mystery of Dean the man (HJAMDM) for short. It takes too long to write, and I have a cramp. That is not an excuse to change the intro again but if Dad found out about this…I don't want to think about that.

He'll probably throw this away and never let me write again.

Dad's away again and he's mad at me after the whole stupid thing in Fort Douglas. He's so angry at me, he won't look at me half the time and when he does it's with a scowl and…and this disappointed look. I thought he only reserved that for when he pins me in training or I can't speak Latin perfectly. It's been weeks since the incident and he's still mad at me for a stupid small thing.

Well not stupid but what did he expect. I had just turned nine and wanted to celebrate my birthday and he expected me to stay in the room. There was an arcade across the car park and I just wanted to play for a few hours before Sammy annoyed me anymore and…I may have been close to punching him.

…

…

Except I should have stayed in the room with Sammy. Dad did tell me he was hunting a witch type thing that went after small children like Sammy…and I should have listened to that warning. Maybe then Dad wouldn't be mad at me for leaving to little guy. What was I supposed to do, stay until I punched him? Sammy he's just a little boy and he had no idea how annoying he got. He was a little boy who has no idea what's out there, just thinks dad and I are paranoid.

Yeah, Sam finally realised not everybody keeps lines of salt by doors and windows after we had to send him to a babysitter while Dad taught me how to shot a bow and arrow, it took me 6 hours of constant shooting to get the hang of it. When we finally got home Sammy was close to tears, the babysitter had asked him non-stop questions about the salt on the floor and the symbols carved into the wooden things.

Dad made her leave while I had the job or trying to calm Sammy down and tell him why we did all that, no way was I telling him why. He's too young and already has nightmares almost constantly. Well that was a fun experience and I doubt Dad will ever use a babysitter again after that. Maybe he will start to trust me enough to look after Sammy on my own again! I can sure hope.

Since last time I talked in here, Sammy has learned lots of new words and is finally talking properly. He'll go to school this year. I don't want him to, he's really small, really smart (you can tell, all he ever does is ask questions or has his nose in a book called whatever by whoever McGeek), and still has a lot of baby fat on him. Basically he is going to get bullied by anyone and everyone.

At least the little guy will have the teachers wrapped around his finger. Dad more or less started my training to become a hunter like him after…well you know. I already mentioned it. He has a full routine planned out for me; shooting, Latin exorcism, running, tracking, survival techniques, etc. etc.

I wonder who came up with etc. and …

I bet it was there way of saying there is more to say but thou can noteth be bothered to carry thy self on in utter annoyance on my humble audience. Or something like that. I bet they were British or something.

Anyway, back to the story, before I go off into a tangent and totally forget what I was saying in the first place. Let's see I talked (a bit) about Dad being angry at me, Sammy talking fully, the attack, my training, school…SCHOOL. I've not talked about my stupid school.

Well 'cause Dad upped up my training it's harder to finish or even start school work. After detentions and more detentions, Dad finally said to me, if I can't do the work then just give up and shoe the teachers a devil-may-care attitude. Whatever that is?

I think that just means backchat teacher's soo much that they stop caring and nobody will think to mess with me. I still have to tell Dad about all the problems I have with the other kids, what with Dad telling me to keep my head down all the time and not to draw any trouble. With this new plan for me at school maybe, just maybe, I might be able to…fight them off…if I don't just use all my training. Maybe just use the boxing moves Dad showed me and the defensive manoeuvres.

The only problem really is that I really liked school and learning. I didn't want to give that up; I already gave up all my friends when Dad left our home after Mom…Mom died.

Maybe I could do this, could protect Sammy by concentrating (man I hate spelling that word, it's so long, at least its spelt like it sounds) on becoming a hero like Dad. Calling it being a hero makes it sound less scary and more…manly (yes I'm still trying to be a man and not a childlike I really am). Calling it hunting, like animal hunting, makes it sound like I'm killing something innocent, like Bambi whereas calling it being a hero makes it sound like I'm helping the innocent people.

You know what, if it really is helping people I can do this, I can give up school because Sammy is one of those innocents. Dad was right, I'm the big brother, and I have the responsibility to look after Sam, to make sure I know everything possible to keep San safe and protected.

One last note before I leave this for the night.

It's Sammy's Birthday next month. He will be 5, and man isn't that a big age considering what almost happened to him. Burned…Mom…ceiling…

Dean snap out of it. For God's sake, if you don't think about then…well you don't think about it. As I was saying, its Sammy's birthday next month and I have no idea what to get him. Maybe something top cat related…or super hero related. But it would have to be from goodwill. I fell like such a bad brother, why can't I get anything new for Sammy?

Why does it have to be old and hand-me-downs? Just for once I want Sammy to get something new, just one thing. You know what, one day I will and it will be the bestest thing ever. I'll do that, one day I will get Sammy something new. I mean I got lots of new stuff when Mom was still here, and 'cause Dad is still here Sammy should get something new as well.

Man I use lot of (…) don't I. I should really stop doing that and write to the point.

Ohh well. That's something for next time.

Peace out


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: I usually don't do these as, well I don't read them when I see them normally but, first of I would like to thank SophiaThePie for the best review I have ever gotten. I mean wow, I'm surprised people even like this. I like it but well...yeah thanks.**

**Secondly I've noticed I've not been really clear on ages of Dean since chapter 1, but since he was born 24/1/1979 he's 8 in the first 2 chapters, 9 in the last and there is a bit of a jump in this one with Dean being 13 but seriously, how much else could he of done younger.**

**I would also like to thank people for reading, following and favoriting this story. It really means a lot. I am still open to suggestions on what people want to happen but I still have a few more ideas of my own before I get stuck ;D**

**July 1992 **

HJAMDM,

Well it's been a crappy last few months, Sam has known for a while now that we don't live like _normal _people. He's been asking about Mum more and more. I think he just wants to know her more since Dad will mention her when he's drunk. You know by saying her name and saying how much he misses her, poor Sammy doesn't know anything more than what she looks…_looked _like.

He must have this romanticized image in his head of how Mum and Dad where like together, never arguing and in the soo much love that they sat on the sofa with me between them watching the TV while they make goo-goo eyes at each other. I could have bought into that idea when I was younger if not for the fact that I had to help Mum pick up the pieces more than once when Dad got in one of those moods. The mood where the worlds done him wrong and it was all Mum's fault for tying him down to me and the house.

They would argue for hours on end while I sat in my room and played with my toys, just trying to drown those hateful words being thrown around. I remember Mum used to come into my room after with bloodshot swollen eyes and red splotchy checks telling me it was all ok and not my fault.

God I can't tell Sammy they were like that, it would wreck him and his idea of love. I'm just glad that Dad no longer has those moods, he gets close to them but not that bad anymore. I want to tell Sam the whole truth most of the time but I would end up crying and he'd have to comfort me.

He can never see me like that; I have to be strong for him. If I don't look after him and be his anchor in this storm of a life then who will? Dad barley looks at us these days and when he does it's to tell me to train or to tell Sammy he's a waste of space. Huh, some Dad right, all Sam wants to do is to make him proud so the little guy has now attached himself to my left hip and is copping me all the time.

I love the attention but come on Sam, please don't put more pressure on me.

God why do I go off onto these tangents all the time?

As I was saying at the start it has been a crappy few months. First off Sam is getting bullied by these right idiots at school, he's got that love of learning that I used to have and once again Dad isn't happy about it. I won't let Dad kill that in Sammy like he did me so I make a point of being stuck with my homework and asking him for help.

He loves to help, it all he wants to do. Anyway when he helps I make a show of how grateful I am for the help then proceed to tease him with _Geek Boy _so he doesn't think too much of it but he's too smart for his own good and he may see through it. Cause of this, he sort of knows stuff from grades above his own and as you can think, people (jerks) took notice and now are making his everyday a living hell.

It got so bad for a bit that Sammy told me he _wished _to be more like _me?! _So of course I asked him and he said…he frickin' said more cool and less book smart. WHAT THE HELL, I'd rather be like Sammy where I could show of how smart I am at learning and remembering things rather than how strong, fast or good of a fighter I am.

It's not fair that Sammy has to aspire to be basically a bully to bullies to get any sort of respect so I took care of it. I hate beating people up, especially when they are 4 years younger than me but they were asking for it. How dare they make Sammy think that.

Secondly, Dad went on a hunt, salt and burn, and told us he'd be back in a few days which turned into a few weeks. He only really left enough money for a week tops so when it started to run out after about 5 days, I had to stop eating to make sure Sammy still could. You know cause what's a day or 2 gonna do of no food. Of course Sammy noticed after about the 3rd or 4th day and he…he stopped eating. He refused every offer of food I gave him so I would have to eat it. So we came to a compromise. We both got half.

That worked until the end of the second week and then we really were scrapping by with what we had, I had to start to steal from food stalls in the market that the town held on the weekend. Obviously I made Sam stay in the motel room until I came back. I almost got caught a few times but that didn't stop me, we needed the food.

But then Sammy started to get sick, no matter how much food I managed to get and give to Sam he seemed to keep losing weight, I got really scared for a while but then Bobby came. After I had told him everything that had happened and he finished cursing Dad out he told me it was because Sam doesn't normally eat stuff like this. He was right, I have never seen Sammy eat candy bars that much but they are some of the easiest things to take and I love them.

From now on if anything happens like this again I'll try to get some fruit and veg for Sam so it won't happen again. Bobby stayed us and helped me get Sammy back to normal by getting all his usual foods and even when Sammy was back to being his usual bouncy self. He didn't leave until Dad came back; he chewed him out and told him to call him or take us to him if Dad knew he was going to be soo long.

Sammy had this really sad look on his face after that, I wished Bobby had made sure we couldn't hear them when he chewed Dad out as now I think Sammy thinks our Dad doesn't care for us much. He must know he still loves us. But there is a big difference between loving us and keeping us safe and loving us and keeping everyone else alive and safe.

I can't any of this to Sam, it would make Sam resent Dad, and I can't do that. He may be a jerk at times but Dad has fought for us since that night Mum burned on the ceiling. He's fought and fought for us and I can't have him thinking we hate him.

Finally the Impala broke down. The only home Sammy and I really had broken and then Dad started to fix it. With it being me and Sammy's home I asked Dad what was wrong and how to fix it. Now I know why the Impala is so important. I'm gonna learn how to take care of her and fix her when she needs it or doesn't. Can't have anything go wrong with this family's baby now can I?

No I can't so I'm gonna look after her like I do Sammy.

That reminds me, I need to teach some new moves to keep him safe at school and make sure he is left alone.

Peace out


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: I know it's been awhile but I don't have any excuses other than I was struggling to start this chapter off. I would like to send out a huge that you to ****lovejohn ****for giving me the inspiration for this chapter and the next and for being a good listener and giving me good advice on what to do next. Just thanks really.**

**So now on with the Diary :D**

**Dean is 14 in this and does swear a bit, not a lot. I apologise for any grammar and spelling mistakes as I have no Beta :D**

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**May 1993**

HJAMDM,

It's the 9th of May today, so guess what day it is. It's mother's day, so Mum if you are out there and can hear me, happy mother's day, you'll always be in my heart.

Actually, if it wasn't for school I would of probably forgotten it was mother's day, but as it turns out I remembered so I got you Mum one pink and one yellow rose which I have dry pressed between the pages of this journal so I can remember to be sweet and joyful like you were.

I miss you. I miss you more then you can possibly know and…and I had forgotten all the little stuff you used to do to make me feel better. I have forgotten how you look when you smile, how you looked first thing in the morning before you're cup of coffee. I had forgotten what you're laugh; you're voice, whether it be soothing or harsh, sounds like. I even forgot what you're favourite dress looks like.

What sort of good son would forget what their own mother looks like?

The only reason I knew I had forgotten all that stuff was because my English teacher had us each write an essay on what makes a Mother. I know right? Who would come up with a stupid assignment like that? Well it turns out that it is a yearly thing the school do, partly cause the next book they study is focused on parenting and all that jazz (like I'll even read it to care) and because it's close to Mother's day.

We had to start it in class and then finish it, so I was all like, yeah! I can do this! But it comes to writing something down and…nothing. Not even one line. Like seriously, you would of thought I would know what it is like to have a Mother and what makes one considering if seen what it's like to have and not have one.

But no, all I got was, _A Mother is a Mother because…._

How the fuck am I not able to answer this. So this got me really agitated and I was in a mood for the rest of the day and…God! I was soo mean to Sammy. I took all my frustration out on him, man I even made him cry. Dad got so mad at me for that; let's just say I found it hard to sit comfortably for a few days after that.

When Dad finally asked me what had got me so wound up, well I had to tell him it was over some stupid essay. Except Dad got this really hurt, sad look on his face when I called the Mother's day essay stupid, I've not seen him look like that in a long time.

He asked in this really soft, scared voice, almost as if he was scared of my answer, what the essay was about. I told him it was about what makes Mother's well Mother's and for some strange reason I started crying and told Dad I couldn't remember her anymore.

I would of though he would have got angry but he didn't. He just sat there and started crying.

Man I wish Sammy was there, to see the soft side of Dad instead of the badass he's got to be when facing all these monsters, but alas Sammy was out at a friend's house by Dad's orders so I wouldn't upset him again.

Dad...he…he must have been crying but he pulled me into a tight hug and the next thing I knew I had a wet shoulder and was clinging onto his shirt and jacket so tight I might have torn through the fabric a bit. He held me for a long time and let me cry my frustrations out.

I felt good to be held in my Dad's arms again, the first time in years. I had missed the way his big strong arms used to hold me tightly to his chest and how he would run his hands up and down my arms and back in comfort. It made me feel safe and secure, like that demon was gone and there were no more supernatural nasties in the world anymore. It was a weird feeling but loved all the same.

He had me get my essay after he let me go and sat me down at the dinner table, while he sat next to me and helped me write my essay.

Man his eyes lit up as he talked about Mum, all the good and the bad. I CAN WRITE YOU A LIST!

Did you know that Mum used to:

Tuck me into bed and say that angels where watching over me. (I should of remembered that one since it was the last thing she said to me)

Sing Hey Jude to me when I was sick or wouldn't settle at night.

Make pancakes every Saturday morning, just because I asked her to.

Take Dad his lunch to work if he forgot it that morning. (which happened more often than not)

Cook without using a cook book, and would write the recipe down of any new meals she would make up.

Sit in the nursery every night in the rocking chair when she was pregnant (for both Sammy and I) and read fairy tales to us. Her favourites being Jack and the Giant Bean Stalk and Sleeping Beauty.

Wear a yellow dress to do the gardening in.

Only wore make up when Dad was taking her out to a fancy restaurant.

Bite her nails and twirl her hair when she became agitated.

Cry before she went to sleep every night. Dad said he would ask her all the time what was wrong but never found out.

Feed the ducks every Sunday at a local pond and sit on a bench for a couple hours and watch the ducks, she took me a couple times but Dad usually looked after me and Sammy so Mum could have some quiet, alone time.

Collect old toys and dolls like those little soldiers.

Smile and it would make both Sammy and me smile as well because it was so bright.

Have a dog. It died when I was two, got run over. Dad got a sad look about him when talking about that. Must of loved that dog

I could go on and on really but they, they are my favourite ones that Dad told me. Mainly cause I could picture her doing them, and I can see me and Sammy doing some of them, like the nervous habits. Its sounds really girly and sissy now that I've written some of new things I have learned about Mum down…in bullet points as well.

Ohh well. Mum was…is worth it.

It was even better! 'Cause when I handed my essay in and got it marked, graded and handed back, I was kept behind after class (like usual) and my English teacher gushed at me and started crying. Saying she was so sorry I lost a Mother like that. It hurt cause obviously Mum's not here but it made me feel really happy cause now people know what a truly amazing mother Mum was.

Thank you Mum for being so great. I love you.

Peace out.


	6. Chapter 6

**An: I'm soo sorry guys for taking so long with this chapter but, man I've had a hell of a few weeks. I got into Uni which was good but I never realised all that went into it after that. It just took up a lot of my time so to make it up, I did this chapter but I upped the rating because of how much swearing I used. **

**I normally only swear like a hand full of times when writing but I felt the situation required a bit more. There will also be another chapter done in a few days as well and should be more...well less angsty and showing a bit more of the Dean we see in the show.**

* * *

**June 1994 **

Fuck. Fuck. FUCK! How the fuck could he do this to me, doesn't the little shit realise what Dad will do to me. **DOESN'T HE CARE? **OMG DAD'S GONNA KILL ME. It's not like I can hide this from him.

What could I do? Get a cover Sam sized and stuff it, put a dirty mop on his its head and hope he doesn't notice. Maybe that would work. Maybe he won't notice. Maybe …..

Ohh, who am I kidding, he'd have to be blind and not Dad to **NOT **notice. OMG HE'S GOING TO TEAR ME APART AND SCATTER THE PIECES.

It's been days since the little shit has been seen, and he's probably off having a great fucking time while I'm here having a fucking heart attack and **FUCK.**

Just Fuck.

After the first few hours of him being gone I'm driving up and down this piss poor shit hole of a town look for the shit and nothing. Nada. No.

HOW COULD HE DO THIS? He is so lucky Dad is away on a hunt. I called everyone in to get feelers out. To do the whole nine yards of finding the fucker. And now I have no choice but to tell Dad. It would only be worse if he came home and…ohh look, no Sam. Sorry Dad. Sammy skipped out and left us here in this shit **FUCKING PLACE.**

Bobby and Caleb are no help. They are with Dad at the minute helping him with his hunt but…ohh boy. I don't want to do this. What the fuck do I say? OMG OMG **OMG.**

Dean. Calm down, calm down and fucking breathe. Just because Dad is going to tear me a new one doesn't mean I have to be scared or anything. Nooo. Why should I be scared of that? Why should I be scared of anything or more importantly, my Dad? What is there to be afraid of? He isn't the big bad fucking wolf. No, he is more like a mother bear. Vicious when something happens to one of his kids, 'cept I haven't been his son for years now have I?

No I've been his freakin' live in babysitter of his miserable, sorry for an excuse son.

No I don't mean that. I love the kid but why did he do this to me? Why did he leave me here on my own to clean up after this? Just why? After everything I've done for him and he goes and does this.

God I can hear and see Dad's reaction to this. It's only going to get worst the more and more I put this off. It is already going to be bad enough so why am I putting this off? Why am I going and putting myself through more pain over this.

Guess there is no time like the present. I better go call Dad.

* * *

**June 1994**

Dad came home as soon as I called and told him about what happened. He was so….mad. God he tore me out over the phone as if I wasn't feeling bad enough. He kept screaming "HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?" and "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO PROTECT SAMMY? NOT LAY AROUND ALL DAY AND LET YOUR LITTLE BROTHER GO AND GET HIMSELF KILLED".

Worst thing is, is that Dad was is right. I should have done more to make sure he didn't leave. I should have tied him to his bed when I saw how angsty he was getting. I should have put a GPS on him or something. Well I should have done more. I'm his big brother for Christ's sake.

When Dad got home…God when Dad got home, it was like someone else was there, not Dad. You could see the anger and the pain rolling off him. Cause Sammy was gone and not me. You could see it in Dad's face. The way his face got redder and redder the more he looked at me, verging on purple.

How could I of been so stupid to let him go. I don't blame Dad for what he did next. I deserved it and I have no one to blame but myself for making Dad do that to me. I'm not even sure Dad knew what he was doing when he started throwing his fists.

I…I'm glad he did though. It was no less then I deserved. It's been 6 days since Dad's been home and 8 days since Sam just went. I can still feel what Dad did to me and if that isn't incentive enough to try harder to get Sammy back. I have to make this right for Dad. He's already lost more than he should have, Mum (the love of his life), and I can't him lose Sammy now.

No, dad needs him more than me, the little Geek can find out which supernatural nasty we are hunting faster than Bobby can at times. Dad needs someone like that, not someone like me. Not someone who is reckless enough to somehow lose a little 11 year old with a shaggy mop of hair.

God Sammy, I'll find you and make this right. Make it all ok. Not like I'm good enough for anything else. Dad just gives me these odd looks now, I don't know what they mean but they frighten me, I don't understand.

Dad and me haven't talked since that day and the silence is just getting more and more awkward. Sometimes I wish Dad would just shout at me, you know to fill the silence. But no he just sits there in stony silence, just looking out into space, going over maps or on the phone to other, more useful hunters. Ones who can help.

Unlike me. I just screw up. I screw up everything. I'm a failure.

* * *

**August 1994**

THE LITTLE SHIT. FOR THE LAST 2 WEEKS I'VE BEEN SCRAED STIFF THAT SOMETHING TERRIBLE MUST HAVE HAPPENED TO HIM AND WHERE WAS HE? THE LITTLE SHIT WAS IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE. JUST SAT ON A COUCH, IN A CABIN, IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, EATING PIZZA AND DRINKING SODA AND DOING FUCK ALL. THE LITLLE SHIT JUST LOOK AT US AS WE BARGED IN.

Turns out he **RANAWAY! **How dare he do this, to us. We do everything for him; everything we do is for him, to make sure he is safe, to make sure he can stay in school for a little longer, to make sure he could have a little normal in his life.

He deserves everything that he has got coming to him from Dad. He's already been given a hard spanking that made the drive to a close motel hell for him. Luckily most of my bruising had gone down by that point and I was and am no longer feeling achy and tight. So I decked the bastard. Right across the face.

It was no less than what he deserved.

Dad apologised to me a few days ago for beating me to shit, said he never meant to and never wanted to do that and that he would never raise a hand to me again. That's nice and all and it was really fucking appreciated 'cause I was scared for a long time there that I really was a disappointment to him.

Anyway I made him promise not to tell Sam what he did to me when we found him again but now the guy won't stop apologising to me. Does it at least 3 times a day and would do it more if I let him. It's getting so annoying. I get the guy feels bad but come on. Saying sorry once would have been enough for me but he keeps on saying sorry.

He has never apologised for anything fully before. OMG HE MUST REALLY MEAN IT. He didn't want to hurt me, he loves me and he needs me. God I'm such an idiot. I should have realised earlier. He DOESN'T think I'm a failure.

Man he is pissed at Sammy though. I can hear him screaming at him, ohh yeah, I'm outside in the Impala while Dad 'talks' to Sammy.

I'm soo pissed off at the kid at the minute. I haven't spoken a word to him since we found him and it is going to be awhile before I even start to think of talking to him again. I know the whole silent treatment is childish but I'm too mad to say anything to him. He hurt me and if I open my mouth to him all I will do is scream at him and probably end up sobbing crying at him and I can't do that.

He can never know how much control he has over me. No one can know how much control they have over me. I'm soo glad that I started you Journal, you know everything about me and you won't use it to hurt me. I can say what I want to you without fear off you ridiculing me or shouting at me and calling me an idiot.

The shouting has stopped for now but I don't dare go back into the motel room until Dad comes out and gets me. I literally can't stand the sight of the little shit right now.

I'm tired anyway, its 11:57 according to my watch and it is pretty dark. I think I'll stop here for now. Thank you for listening to me Journal. Good night.

Peace out

* * *

**An: Sorry again for how long it took for this chapter. The next one will be up within the next few days. **


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry it took me so long to get it out. I am going on holiday for a week on Monday and then my sister is going to Uni so it will take awhile to get the next chapter out.**

* * *

**February 1995 **

Wow it's been 3 months since my last entry into this thing. Man have you missed loads.

First off, Sam is finally out of trouble or grounding or whatever it was. He had to like do so many hours just cleaning all the weapons and reciting Latin. Haha it was so funny, he had an almost constant cramp in his hand and could barely speak most nights cause of how much Latin he spoke but he still managed to bitch about the 'unfairness' of it. Only Sammy could still bitch when he could barely talk. He would also walk around the motel room or were ever the fuck we were currently staying shaking his hand. He banged it on so many things when he did that and would always yelp.

In the end he had a black and blue hand from the number of times he wacked it and from the constant pressure he put on it. He was lucky he didn't sprain his wrist or something with all that wrist action he had going on….no not that way.

Secondly Dad kept apologising for the shit he pulled 7 months back, I'm glad to see he is still human and my Dad and cares. God I've missed this side of him. He finally stopped actually saying I'm sorry about 5 months back but still did these gestures to continue saying sorry. Firstly he got me a brand new, engraved (blessed) set of throwing knives. Then he got me a new shotgun and wow that thing was a beauty. Following on from that he got me a fake ID and started to take me to bars with him.

On one of those nights I started chatting to this smokin' hot _woman, _and man do I mean woman_, _she was a petite brunette with this massive rack, I mean she turned round and no matter who you were (unless your 11, have floppy hair and answer to Sammy), you had no choice but to look. They were just so big, round and firm and …..Guess you really don't want to hear all that huh journal.

Any way I had my first experience with sex that night; I have fooled around with some girls at school but it didn't compare to the actual thing, even if it was not what I expected. A bit rushed, messy and…well not as glamorous as all those pornos make it out to be. Don't think I'm going to go back to high school girls when I've got older woman who want a twink who is good looking.

God that's sounds offensive…even if it is true, at least the good looking part. I have enough woman and men tripping over themselves to get another look at me or just to get me. Guess I got the good genes then, poor Sammy is always going to be small with big hands and too big eyes.

When I came home though, Dad had this knowing smirk on his face and teased me mercifully for a few days. Oh my God, poor Sammy just looked confused every time Dad started. Good to know he's still innocent in the ways that matter.

After that night though Dad would drag me out more often and let me go home with as many people as I wanted, so long as I had a knife (in case it got hairy), my cell phone (for obvious reasons) and a box of condoms (safe sex you know). It became an almost nightly thing though so on my 16 birthday last month.

Oh My God I can't believe I'm about to say this.

HE

GAVE

ME

THE

**_IMPALA!_**

I got THE car. He gave me baby. I can't believe it. He gave me baby. And then he got a new truck but I don't care. Nothing can beat the awesomeness that is baby. Maybe you journal but that's for different reasons.

When Sammy found out he begged me to take him out for a test drive. No you little shit. Let me enjoy my first drive in the car in peace. And journal before you go off on one saying I don't know how to drive Dad taught me when I was 13 so I could get us out of a hunt in a giff if he was injured and it was only us hunting together.

It has never come to that though but I was allowed to practice so I wouldn't forget or you know mess up in case I was needed to drive us away.

I'm soo excited though 'cause Dad said I could drop out of school after this year. YES. No more having to keep a down low, no more stupid assignments or essays that I didn't have time to do anyway. I still can't believe Sam loves all that crap. I bet he only loves it to piss Dad off.

So after I get to drop out of school I get to hunt full time with him, God I hope it is full time and not just babysitting Sam full time. That would totally suck and I would probably want to end up killing the fucker. I love him and all but he's become such a moody asshole.

He only ever wants things his way and he's not willing to bend over backwards sometimes to make things easier. Don't get me wrong I do think that standing up for what you want is a good thing but I'd rather it not be at Dad or mines expense, for doing something we believe to be right, and not stand up for yourself in front of bullies 'cause you want a '_normal life'. _

What is so good at normal if all you are is a punching bag and JUST LET THEM CARRY ON? I'll tell you, none. Absolutely no good.

The problem with Sam is that he is too much like Dad at times, obsessive without a care for who hurts in the meantime. At least Dad has a good reason for it, Sammy has nothing really, well nothing I understand. The way we live means we can be and do what we want without giving people the chance to come get us if they don't agree.

I must admit that I have grown to love the constant moving now, the constant scenery change and all that. And now with my throaty baby singing to me all the time now as we move.

Peace out mother fucker. I'm going out again tonight.


End file.
